Jest a Second Column: Trump’s Farewell Letter to Biden – Assertion – Aurora Advertiser – Aurora, MO
Columns share an author’s personal perspective.
There has been much speculation that outgoing President Donald Trump would not leave a personal welcome letter for new President Joe Biden at the desk of the Oval Office. But it did, although it may take some time for the content to be published. What parting words of wisdom could the former president have passed on? Maybe something like this:
“First I have to ask a favor. Mike forgot to take out the trash last night. Pick up is Friday, do you mind? Oh, and watch out for the flypaper in his office.
You will be disappointed as president. I did when I first went into the closet room – and there were no closets. And don’t look for Martin Sheen either. It took me two years to realize that he was in a different “west wing”.
Speaking of the rooms, we weren’t impressed with the White House Game Room and Donald Jr. was particularly disappointed – there were no animals to shoot. And I still don’t understand why there is a China room in the White House. Why not name it after a friendly country? Also, someone left some old plates in there so I threw them away. In any case, it is now the Russia area. And as for the contract space, what a joke! There were no goodies.
Oh, on the subject of food, sorry for the KFC grease stains on the Lincoln bedspread.
I have a complaint. I really didn’t appreciate you and Barack when they left ‘Psycho’ on a permanent film loop in the East Wing Family Theater room. So I return the favor. Hope you enjoy Apocalypse Now. I also left a few boxes in the closet full of 10,000 red baseball caps that I no longer need. Maybe you can use them. With a sharpie, you can use them again to read “Make America Greet Again”.
There are many White House traditions that you will enjoy as President. Remember, when Thanksgiving comes and you hand out the turkey forgiveness, don’t forget me. Another has a pet in the White House. People said I should have a dog because every president needs a loyal best friend who will come when he is called, turns around, and plays ball. But I didn’t need one. I had a Rudy Giuliani.
Oh yes, I almost forgot. I changed the shower heads in all 35 bathrooms in the White House. They are now delivering about 100 gallons per minute each – that’s a real shower. But before all of your whiny conservationists got their plumbing in a knot, I had the water disconnected from the communal supply and hooked up to a pond behind the Capitol. Just one more election promise I kept – to drain the swamp in DC.
Finally, I apologize over the welcome note I scratched on the Resolute desk with my pocket knife. When they first told me to leave a message on your desk for you, how did I know you meant this on paper? “
Nick Thomas has written articles, columns and interviews for over 850 newspapers and magazines. See www.getnickt.org.